By Brenda Branson

Many people turn to the church for help when they are experiencing deep emotional pain from personal struggles or abusive relationships. Some have found acceptance and unconditional love from compassionate people. Others have been severely wounded by the insensitivity and judgmental attitudes in churches where guilt, manipulation, fear, and shame abound.

In his book, Why Churches Don’t Heal, author Doug Murren writes, “Often the church is just not a safe place for us to let down our guard and be real. Imagine needing urgent medical care and getting to a hospital where you dare not admit that you have been injured! Similarly, it often seems that the last place we can admit to a personal struggle is in the church. And so we are not healed and we do not heal others.” 

Ronald Enroth writes in Recovering From Churches That Abuse: “Spiritual abuse takes place when leaders to whom people look for guidance and spiritual nurture use their positions of authority to manipulate, control, and dominate.”

So how can you tell the difference between a healthy church and a toxic church? Here are a few contrasts:

• A healthy church is a place where people don’t hide their problems. A toxic church has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” atmosphere where problems are hidden and self-righteous people appear to have their lives all together.
• In a healthy church, forgiveness and grace abound. In a toxic church, people are defined and judged by the mistakes of their past.
• In a healthy church, independent thinking is encouraged and questions are welcomed. In a toxic church, people are not allowed to question the beliefs or actions of church leaders.
• Healthy church leaders invite dialogue and advice from church members. Toxic leaders prefer for people, especially women, to keep their opinions to themselves and “don’t make waves.”
• In a healthy church, people are taught to love God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength, and reflect Jesus’ love to others. In a toxic church, the focus is on rule-keeping, being right, and external conformity.
• In a healthy church, the pastor is transparent, admits his mistakes, and is accountable to a board of godly men and women. In a toxic church, the pastor has ultimate authority and is not accountable to anyone.
• In a healthy church, the pastor guides and encourages members based on biblical principles, but does not control individual decision-making. In a toxic church, the pastor tells members what to believe and how to live, demands conformity, and pressures members to break fellowship with others who don’t share their beliefs or meet their standards.
• In a healthy church, men and women are given equal respect and roles of responsibility at church and in the home. Abuse of any kind is not tolerated. In a toxic church, women are considered subservient and are expected to submit to everything their husbands demand. Many women in abusive marriages are told stay with their abuser, cook his favorite meals, be more submissive, and pray harder.

In The River Within, Jeff Imbach describes the environment of many unhealthy churches today: “Self-righteousness and debauchery are but mirror opposites on the same continuum. We feel good if we’ve memorized more verses than most people in our church. Or we get our high out of being free from vices.  Too often, Christian spirituality gets focused on control in the name of holiness. We define our morality and spirituality in terms of things we don’t do. Natural passion for life gets diverted into religious fanaticism, and we can turn into arrogant, critical, and lonely people. Through self-righteous control we idolize our spiritual appearance.” 

If you are recovering from the wounds of a toxic church, here are some ways to recover:

• Admit the truth to yourself about what has happened and ask God to direct you to a healthy church.
• Grieve the loss of friends, family, and years of history in a toxic church as you cautiously develop new friendships in a new church community.
• Expect feelings of doubt, guilt, fear, and shame. Seek help in dealing with these emotions.
• Forgive those who have hurt you in the past and move on to enjoy your freedom in the Lord.
• Get involved in a spiritual community where you can risk being yourself, where you can passionately pursue God, study Scripture, and experience a life of vibrant, loving communion.

As you find healing and safety in a church community, reach out to others who may be struggling so they may experience love and acceptance as God’s life flows through you.