Please also read our follow up article, "More About Saddleback, Abuse and Divorce."

There has been a great outcry over an entry entitled “Abuse is no excuse for divorce” that appeared in the “questions and answers” section of the web-site of Saddleback Church. The ensuing widespread dismay brings home to all of us the need for an appropriate response of churches to a horrifying social problem: the rising incidence of domestic abuse in both Christian and non-Christian homes. Some fifteen hundred women a year are slain in America by their partners, and many more sustain permanent injuries. Men as well as women sometimes become victims of intimate partner abuse. Often the emotional wounding delivers a yet more profound injury to the human spirit.

A fact that churches must bear in mind is that thirty-five to forty percent of battered women attempt suicide. Wife abuse accounts for twenty-five percent of suicides by all U. S. women, and fifty percent of suicides by African American women. What are the options of women caught in unbearable situations?

Let me illustrate with two stories that are known to me personally. The first is of Melissa, a devoted Christian married to a man who had delved deeply into scripture and loved the Word of God. In time that husband became verbally and emotionally abusive, using scripture to reproach, demean and humiliate her. With the birth of each successive child, the attacks became more intense until she could bear it no more. Like many another desperate victim, she made an attempt on her own life. In the aftermath, her husband refused her request to be taken to an emergency room; but her own family discovered her plight and secured medical treatment. When they realized the extent of what Melissa had suffered, the family removed her to their own home in another city. The husband promptly pulled up stakes and pursued her relentlessly, always quoting scripture but never showing signs of genuine repentance. Melissa was torn as she wanted above all things to be faithful to Christ, but in time she came to see that the best hope for herself and the children’s survival lay in cutting off all ties. She initiated a divorce and moved to yet another community so that her whereabouts would not be known.. There she built a life that glorified Christ as she cared for her children and engaged in Christian outreach.

My second story concerns a woman whom I shall call Helen. After her marriage many years ago, the man of her dreams turned out to be a cruel abuser. He showered her with hostile criticism, insults, reproaches and name-calling. Finally her spirit collapsed, and she suffered a severe breakdown. After her recovery, she was returned to the marriage and the home, where things had gotten no better. In despair, she appealed to her family for help as she felt herself again overcome with the vicious invective that rained upon her daily. Her parents responded that she had made her own choice of a husband and must live with the consequences. In their thinking there was no room for divorce. With nowhere to turn, Helen did indeed fall into a worse condition than she had already experienced During her re-hospitalization, the staff resorted to a solution that is no longer used: they performed a lobotomy to remove surgically that part of her brain in which she could feel emotion, whether of joy or of sorrow or anguish. For the next thirty years Helen continued to live with her husband, surviving the unremitting oppression because she could no longer experience the pain. She had also been robbed of the ability to feel love, pride, excitement and happiness. There are situations where a divorce may be the best resource to secure safety.

More vulnerable yet are the children caught in situations of domestic violence. According to the Massachusetts Department of Youth Services, children who witness violence in their home are

• six times more likely to commit suicide
• twenty-four times more likely to commit sexual assault;
• 50 percent more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol;
• 74 percent more likely to commit crimes against others

Over 60 percent of murderers between the ages of fifteen and twenty-one are incarcerated for having killed their mother’s abuser. Many beg their mothers to leave, and some become embittered if they feel that the church is entrapping them in years of oppression and suffering.

Issues of Pastoral Care

Victims are more likely to approach their pastor than any other one source. Clearly the matter requires great sensitivity as the issues can be so enormously complex and can carry a very high risk to every member of the family. It is not always easy to recognize attendant factors such as overwhelming depression, emotional trauma, bitterness or lethality. In their seminary and Bible college training, pastors are seldom given adequate preparation for understanding the dynamics of domestic abuse or the inherent dangers. The matter of securing safety through divorce is a delicate one: none of us wish to see a marriage dissolved, but sometimes we have put more emphasis upon saving that marriage than upon saving a life.

For this reason it is usually best to refer the congregant to specialized safety counseling and for the pastoral staff to concentrate on the spiritual and theological issues. Blessedly our society offers many helps for securing the safety of endangered members of a family. It is important to create bridges when they are needed “from the steeple to the shelter.”

The Old Testament Scriptures

The Bible gives very strong directives for the strengthening of marital and family ties, but it also contains affirmations of God’s promise and provision for peace within the home. Often sincere pastors focus on Malachi’s statement that God hates divorce and fail to observe the alternative reading supplied by the New International Version:

‘I hate divorce’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering his wife with violence as well as with his garment’ says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.” (Malachi 2:16, using alternative translation from New International Version.)

We also fail to note that

God hates seven things: haughty eyes, a lying tongue and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that advises wicked plans, feet that hurry to run to evil, a lying witness who testifies falsely, and one who sows discord in a family.  Proverbs. 6:17-19

These very characteristics show up all too frequently in abusive marriages.

Actually, the Bible pictures Israel as the faithless wife of God, and three times the Lord announces his divorce from his erring spouse (Is 50:1; 54:6-7; Jer. 3:8). The repeated abuses of Israel had left no meaning in the marriage between God and His people. In ancient Israel, the option of divorce had been established (Deuteronomy 24:1) While divorce was usually initiated by a male, a concubine might divorce a husband who failed to supply her with food, clothing or marital rights (Exodus 21:10-11); and she might leave if he caused her bodily injury (Exodus 21:26-27).

During the return from the Babylonian exile, a number of priests and Levites abandoned their first wives and married the daughters of rich landowners. Those returning priests had forgotten their hereditary calling to perpetuate the faith of Israel, to raise up a new generation who could instruct the community in the law of the Lord, lead in the understanding and worship of the true and living God, and oversee the public health practices of the people. (See Nehemiah 13:29) By discarding their original wives, the religious leaders had lost the mothers who could have instilled patterns of faith and obedience into the lives of their children.

The Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did not God make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:14-15)

Indeed, half of the children could not even speak Hebrew and had no way of understanding the prayers, or psalms or scriptures (Nehemiah 13:23-25). Malachi decried the violation of the original marriage covenant and pointed out that God hated violence inflicted upon women.

For the man who hates and divorces, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit and do not be faithless. (Malachi 2:16)

Ultimately many came to realize that  their lapse had made a travesty of God’s purposes not only for their own family life but also for the faith and practice of God’s people.  There had been a violation of a fundamental covenant (Ezra 9:2,10-15). Challenged by Ezra, the priestly penitents entered into a covenant with God to dissolve their inappropriate and destructive marriages in order to preserve and protect the health and spiritual integrity of the entire community. According to the particular needs of each family, an arrangement was made to provide carefully for the women and children (Ezra 10:1-17).

Jesus and St. Paul

Jesus asked, “Is it lawful . . .to do good or to do harm, to save life or to kill? (Mark 3:4) He pointed out that sometimes conventional legalism needed to be set aside (Matthew 12:10-13; Mark 2:23-27; Luke 6:1-11; 14:1-6) This is still a question for Jesus’ followers to address. His sayings about divorce must be carefully examined within their contest.

The Gospel records tell us that He was speaking to those trying to trap him in a rabbinic debate about two forms of divorce available in Jewish courts (Matthew 5:31-32; 19:1-9; Mark 10:1-12;Luke 16:18)  In the first, substantive charges must be made against a woman, while she and her relatives were given the opportunity to respond in her own defense. The second form was the “any reason at all” format in which man could bring forward a thoroughly frivolous reason and gain a divorce while the wife had no opportunity to defend herself. She then might be married off to another or be forced to sell her own body in order to survive. Jesus argued that it was wrong to condone such a practice or even to consider this a legitimate divorce. Marriage after an irregular divorce only heightened the evil.

The Apostle Paul also discusses marital situations in the context of a believing spouse married to an individual who is not prepared to accept the values of the Christian faith. The believer is not encouraged to seek a divorce but to be ready to release the other from the marriage bond if that is their desire. Tellingly, he terminates the discussion by saying “A brother or sister is not held in bondage in such circumstances. God has called you to peace.” (1 Cor. 7:15). We would do well to remember the Apostle’s other injunctions to peace: Romans 14:19; 2 Cor. 13:11; Col 3:15; 1 Thess. 5:13.

Our challenge

Evangelical leaders have been caught in a dilemma that leaves them with a high degree of discomfort, even to acknowledge the existence of the problem.  Quite correctly, they maintain a high view of the Christian home and seek to build strong families, but there must be a deeper understanding of the issues when things go awry. As the people of God, we need to be diligent in informing ourselves and our clergy of the grave dangers inherent in domestic abuse.

It has always been the role of the prophet to perceive evils in society, to make them a matter of serious prayer and reflection, and then to take action. All too often clergy avoided the ugly issue, but the danger is too grave to be longer ignored. We need seminary courses, training programs, books, videos, tapes providing essential information about the manifold problems and the types of help available. Pastors must be equipped to speak forth from the pulpit, to minister to the wounded and oppressed, to hold abusers accountable. All of us can be involved in the learning process.

 By far the best immediate source of information for pastors on this subject may be found at the Religion And Violence E-learning web-site. A trip to the RAVE web-site will provide a wealth of enormously helpful resources in ministering to this enormous social problem.

The scriptures encourage us to teach “line upon line and precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.” This is just how the people of God can little by little build an awareness of the reality of domestic abuse and what can be done to stop it.