It was the judge, not the preacher, who held Anne's husband accountable for physical abuse. Joe claimed he was innocent—that she was making the whole thing up. But graphic photographs of multiple bruises, an emergency room report, and Anne’s brave testimony provided the proof the judge needed to convict Joe of assault and battery.

Joe didn't really have to pay much for his crime - he didn’t have to pay Anne's hospital bill or spend any time in jail - but at least the crime was acknowledged and finally Joe was held accountable for his actions.

Would Joe's life have been different if his church took a clear stand against domestic violence? Perhaps, but unfortunately Joe learned abusive behavior from his father’s example and not one pastor in his past dared to confront the issue from the pulpit or face-to-face.

Sad, isn't it, that men like Joe get away with battering their wives for years with the church either unaware or hesitant to get involved.

On October 4, 1997 at a Stand in the Gap rally, Dr. Bruce Fong spoke the words that have been silent from our churches for decades:

"We have made the same dumb mistakes over and over again. Two of them must end today.  No more abuse! No more abandonment! Our duty as husbands is to love our wives with a sacrificial love—a love that gives up something valuable exclusively for the purpose of doing something for her benefit. That is the measure of a husband’s love for his wife. Battery is NOT included!”

Following Dr. Fong's message, hundreds of thousands of men held photographs of their wives and children or names of loved ones written on a piece of paper while they knelt or laid with their faces on the ground, confessing their sins to God.

"Almighty God, I confess that I have been an abusive man... as a husband, as a friend, as a father, as a son, as a brother. I have sinned against you, myself, my community, my nation and my home. I have sacrificed my family on the altar of machismo selfishness, greed, power, pleasure, and personal ambition. Oh God, I need your help. "

It is not likely that everyone who spoke those words and bent their knee before God returned home a changed man. How can you tell the difference between repentance and temporary regret?

After Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, scripture says he repented. However, the Greek word used for Judas’ repentance meant deep regret. It was not the usual Greek word for true repentance which meant being truly sorry, hating the sin, and refusing to get involved in that particular sin again. Judas hated the consequences and feelings of guilt, but had no true change of heart or deep sorrow for his sin.

When you have suffered at the hand of another person, it may be hard to determine whether or not they are sincerely sorry. It is right to be cautious and to question their motives when they say, "I'm sorry."

Does the abuser:

• Admit his abusive behavior is a sin and take personal responsibility for his actions without blaming anyone else?
• Feel so deeply ashamed for his sinful behavior against another person and against God that he is willing to make restitution?
• Hate his sin so much that he will seek professional help to understand the deep-rooted, distorted thinking behind his actions and the underlying spiritual condition that needs attention?
• Have a desperate longing to restore his relationship with his family, and yet be willing to wait as long as it takes for trust to be rebuilt or to gracefully accept the consequences if reconciliation is not possible.

If you observe these signs of change in your abuser, give thanks that God's grace and mercy is at work while maintaining safe boundaries and surrounding yourself with wise people who can discern the difference between temporary regret and true repentance.

What will it take for pastors and churches to take a bold stand against violence and take risks to defend those who cannot defend themselves? If we are mere observers of social injustice and sin, we are as guilty as the priest and Levite who walked right past the wounded man in Luke 10.

Don’t try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it. For God knows all hearts, and he sees you. He keeps watch over your soul, and he knows you knew! And he will judge all people according to what they have done.  (Proverbs 24:11-12 NLT)

Copyright © 2009 Brenda Branson

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