With Catherine Clark Kroeger

When Reality Hits

            Recently a woman told me of having picked up one of the little PASCH “shoe cards” that are placed in women’s washrooms in churches. As she read the list of behaviors that constitute abuse, a light went on in her mind. She had known that she was in an unhappy marriage, but now she saw that the treatment she was receiving had a name: abuse. She realized that she needed to process the situation in a new way, to seek new resources and solutions.

            A Christian woman is confronted with many considerations when she comes to this discovery. Often she has been told that she must have done something to deserve the mistreatment—that if she would only behave better or pray harder, the abuse would stop. She needs to understand that responsibility lies with the perpetrator rather than with the victim, that abuse is strongly and repeatedly condemned in the Scriptures. This is not to say that she is sinless but rather that she must not shoulder guilt for sins not hers.

            All too often the victim assumes she is being punished for something wrong that she has done. There may well be moments when she will ask “Why me?” She may feel she is the only one who suffers such devastating treatment at the hands of the very one whom she should be able to trust. Most are shocked to discover that one fourth of all women have been abused in one form or another. It is indeed consoling to know that God is there, even in times of deep distress. This reflection by Pat Burke may be helpful. Catherine Clark Kroeger

Why Me, Lord?

If God is such a loving God, why does he let horrible things happen to good people? Why is God “allowing” me to be treated so badly by my husband or boyfriend? 

For centuries, philosophers and ordinary people alike have been asking these questions. If God is a loving and just God, then how can we explain the devastating things going on all around us?   

Is God punishing humankind because they are so evil? There are definitely people who deserve to be punished for their wickedness, but what about innocent people who are abused, raped, murdered, manipulated—children, helpless adults (the elderly and disabled), and women who are less powerful than the men in their lives?  Ultimately these questions lead to a more personal question:  “What did I do to deserve this?” 

Let’s see what the Bible says about this subject. We have in the Scriptures examples of many good people who suffered. 

Job had not sinned when Satan afflicted him with all manner of evil. We are never told why bad things happen to good people, but we do read that God was mightily displeased with the friends who blamed Job for having deserved his sufferings (Job 37:14–39:30).

Scriptures about suffering raise many questions regarding our own lives. How do we keep from blaming God for our pain? Sometimes we cannot see beyond the pain, and we believe God has forgotten about us. But he has not forgotten!

St. Paul maintained that what he suffered for Christ made him stronger (Rom. 5:1–5; 8:15–25).  Early Christians were mistreated because of their faith and found within that suffering a fellowship with Christ and with others (1 Pet. 1:3–9; 2:18–23; 4:12–19; 1 Cor. 12:26). There was a purpose for what they endured. They suffered because they would not deny their Savior, and their witness became the seed of the church.

But does sinful conduct on the part of another human being constitute a divine purpose for my life?  Is this God’s choice for me or the choice of the abuser?

What About Me?

A Christian victim needs to ask, “What about me?” What can she do to preserve her safety and her sanity, as well as that of her children? When her self-esteem has been demolished, her confidence shattered, when she can no longer see any light at the end of the tunnel—what then? How can she act responsibly in the midst of her crisis?

There are a multitude of resources for victims of abuse, community based, secular and Christian. Even if she decides to remain in the abusive situation, there are ways she can keep her soul afloat. Many community shelters and social agencies offer counseling services that are available whether the victim leaves or remains. There she can find a listening ear and a chance to process her thinking about the circumstances in which she finds herself. She can be helped to make a safety plan if at any time she concludes it is no longer safe to stay. A victim can also receive information about the effects of violence upon children and what steps can be taken to protect them. But what can be done to help her when she is overwhelmed, distraught and unable to make good decisions?

What Can the Rest of Us Do?

Barnabas—who sold his possessions to help the poor—had a name that meant “Son of Encouragement.” A quick study of the Greek word for encouragement, paraklases (noun) and parakaleo (the verb, “to encourage”), is surprising. It is not quite as simple as it sounds. The words paraklases and parakaleo, which appear many times in the New Testament, have a double meaning; there are two sides to this coin—a harsh side and a soft side. One means to encourage; the other exhort. And, sometimes, both meanings are present within one verse.

It is, however, not just in New Testament Greek that the word has two meanings. It is really the same in English.  We encourage:

• To build up, empathize, listen to empathetically, show compassion for someone (console).
• To exhort, admonish, motivate someone to do something about their situation; encourage them not to do something that would harm themselves.

As you encounter people who have been victims of domestic violence and verbal abuse, how do you know when to encourage, when to console, or when to exhort? How do you know what a person needs at a specific time in his/her life?

• We encourage (build up) when someone is disheartened, discouraged, depressed, despondent, in despair.
• We exhort when someone is lethargic, apathetic, insensitive, needs to improve their lives or the lives of their children.

Often when we encounter someone who has a story of terrible abuse, we think there is nothing we can do to help. We think this person needs a professional, but that is not always true. All Christians can be encouragers. What does it take to be an encourager—what internal resources, talents, or skills do you need to be an encourager?  We need purity (Matt. 5:8) and love for one another (John 13:34; 1 Pet. 1:22; 1 John 3:11).  In 1 Corinthians 12:1–11, we are reminded that each has a different gift to use for God. Some of these gifts are listening (James 1:19), acceptance (Rom. 15:7), sympathy (I Peter 3:8), and carrying each others’ burdens (Galatians 6:2) – all means of encouragement.

On the other side of the coin, we need to consider what to do when someone needs more than encouragement to change a situation that is unhealthy.  Who, then, can be an exhorter?  Being an exhorter is an earned right.  We must first build a relationship and then lovingly exhort or encourage people to choose a different path. Each person must be free to make their own life decisions, but we can be there to listen and to react to what we are being told. We can learn to be effective encouragers and exhorters, if we “serve one another in love” (Galatians 5:13).