I was standing in a Christian bookstore, browsing over the wide range of material in the Marriage and Family section, when it struck me that while we as Christians are inundated with resources to help us improve our homes and marriages, the sad reality is that our homes and marriages are still struggling.  Many of us are familiar with the disturbing statistic that the divorce rate, which currently stands at about 50 percent, is the same for Christian couples as for non-Christian couples. My question is this:  If there are so many resources available for Christian couples, why does the problem of marital breakdown and disharmony continue to exist? 

What is actually going wrong in our homes today?  Is it really just poor communication?  Is it really that women do not respect their husbands or that husbands do not love their wives?  Is it that the balance between together time and alone time is lopsided, or that a couple’s weekly date-night is nonexistent or not exciting enough?  Is it because men are presumably from Mars and women from Venus, or that they have poor conflict resolution skills?  Is the problem the culture we live in, the influence of media or the pressure to be successful in our affluent society?  Judging from the myriad of resources available, it would seem that the above issues are the problem; but if that were true, then why are relationships not being helped?  I propose that perhaps the problem lies elsewhere.

            I am the ministry director for the Riseup Ministries Society. Our outreach centre provides counseling, support groups, and resources for women impacted by domestic abuse.  We also give educational seminars within the Christian community to promote awareness of the dynamics of family violence.  A disturbing statistic shows that the prevalence of abuse in the Christian home is similar to the rate for domestic violence and abuse in the non-Christian home.  What I have come to realize is that in the majority of cases, the underlying dynamics causing family violence are actually the same underlying factors that bring unresolved conflict and unhappiness to most couples who are seriously struggling within their marriages.  For the most part, the brokenness experienced in so many homes today is not a result of poor communication skills or an inability to listen well, or of opposite personalities not getting along, or even, poor problem solving skills; it is about a desire for power and control.  Let me explain.

            A desire for power and control is at the core of all family violence. Family violence is defined as a pattern of behavior used to harm, exploit, or manipulate another person with the intent to gain power and control over them; it is founded in a sense of entitlement.  The behaviors or tactics of abusers to gain this power and control are varied and complex. Too often people think family violence is only about physical violence, such as slapping, hitting, chocking, blocking an exit, kicking, or throwing things. As traumatic as these are, most victims feel that physical violence is one of the lesser forms of abuse. Far more damaging is what is referred to as verbal or emotional and psychological abuse.  Here the abuser attempts to undermine a victim’s emotional or mental well-being by controlling what they think and feel.  This abuse includes verbal put-downs, intimidation, making excuses for the abuse, blaming, using excessive criticism, and creating no-win situations.  Equally destructive, sexual abuse is the use of any unwanted or forced sexual activity or contact and includes the use of guilt, threats, coercion, and demeaning or discriminating sexual remarks.  When an abuser attempts to cut off a person from sources of support by controlling their social interactions, this is called isolation abuse. Intentionally denying someone financial security or access to financial decision making is called financial abuse. Any behavior that uses or involves children to gain power and control is also abusive.  Another form of abuse is spiritual abuse, where words or actions are used to damage one spiritually or are used to legitimize abusive behavior. In essence, all abuse becomes spiritual abuse, for it attacks the core value of a person and destroys their sense of being.

            Can you imagine living in a situation where your partner monitors everything you do, makes you wait in the vehicle for hours on end, pressures you sexually with threats of infidelity, locks you in a room, spends money recklessly forcing you to use the food bank? Can you imagine a partner who humiliates you in public, threatens to take the children, destroys property, quotes Scripture about love, forgiveness, and submission after verbally attacking you, demands to be catered to, manipulates conversations to their advantage and yet, is seen as the model citizen in church and community circles? 

In an abusive relationship, this desire for power and control does not necessarily originate in an abuser’s low self-esteem, a dysfunctional childhood, a mental illness, or a particular ethnicity or economic condition—these are, for the most part, myths.  Abusive behavior is first and foremost supported by an unspoken and subconscious belief system. The attitudes that drive abuse originate in an abuser’s deep sense of entitlement, which is a belief that provides them a special status with exclusive rights, privileges, and opinions that do not apply to their partner. When the layers are peeled away, those who dominate and control others consider their behavior to be justified, because at the core of their being they believe they are superior to their partner or victim. Thus, they are entitled to behave the way they do because of who they believe they are. Their core belief of superiority sets in motion a determination to maintain a position of power and authority. They view their intimate relationships through this lens of entitlement, which then allows them to justifiably use any behavior to secure their position of special status over their partner. For example, if I believe I am right, or that I am in charge, then I am able, because of my sinful nature, to revert to using behavior that is manipulative, harmful, and disrespectful of my partner in order to have my way or to exert my authority, and feel totally justified in doing so.

But what does this have to do with the thousands of non-abusive couples who either choose to end their relationships or resign to living in an unhappy marriage?  If we dig a little deeper, we will discover that many of the conflicts experienced by couples today originate not in personality clashes or in poor communication skills, but in a power struggle created by a particular belief system.  The belief system adhered to by many Christians today is that in our world and in our homes, someone needs to be in charge, someone needs to have the final authority, and that complete gender equality or mutuality between the sexes is impossible or at least, contrary to Scripture.   

As human beings, our underlying beliefs and core values lay a foundation for our behavior; in fact our core beliefs are the basis for everything we do, think, and say. In other words, what we hold to be true will always have consequences or repercussions.  I recall a recent Sunday morning sermon suggesting that although men and women are equal, the male in the home is to have the final authority should a decision reach a stalemate.  The logical conclusion of this sort of thinking is that a marriage should be seen as an arrangement where 51 percent of the relationship shares are given to the husband and 49 percent of the shares are given to the wife.  Although this may sound equal or even generous, in reality, the woman has no decision-making power and virtually no authority or voice beyond expressing her opinion.  The consequence of this particular belief system puts all women into a position where they are vulnerable to mistreatment, and puts unrealistic expectations on the man to be fully responsible for every decision in the home. In order for couples to experience mutual satisfaction in their marriages today, this teaching or underlying belief needs to change.

A correct theology of marriage is properly extracted from a study of Genesis where God’s design for the first marriage is laid out. An unbiased study of Genesis 1–3 will reveal that God’s original intention for men and women was to equally reflect the image of God; to share equally in having dominion over the earth and to enjoy a mutual and harmonious relationship as suitable counterparts.  Neither the man nor the woman was to be more responsible for the marriage than the other.  The power struggle and resulting hierarchy between men and women today is a sad consequence of sin, but was never God’s design for men and women. The harmonious relationship Adam and Eve enjoyed prior to the Fall can surely be enjoyed once again, when mutual equality is embraced as the foundational belief in all male-female intimate relationships. 

As long as we hang on to the faulty belief that someone needs to be in charge and do not embrace gender equality in every aspect of our marriages, we will never solve the problem of abusive relationships, nor gain much ground in bringing about marital happiness to the average couple struggling in their relationship.  The next time you are having a conflict with your spouse, recognize it for what it is—a power struggle.  Evaluate your underlying belief system about your relationship and about the issue at hand.  Both of you need to be willing to step back and consider that you are equal partners and mutually responsible for each decision made. Respect one another as equals who bring individual gifts and insights of identical value to the relationship. You may find that you do not need to read the myriad of marital self-help books if you focus on mutually respecting one another.  Remember, you are both in charge and equally responsible for your marriage.  This is God’s design for marriage and it works!