In a small percentage of cases of domestic abuse, the offender is a woman. Sometimes both parties in a marriage engage in violent or abusive behavior. The abuse inflicted by women is usually verbal or emotional and can cause cruel suffering. Literary descriptions of termagant wives occur repeatedly— all the way from Socrates to Rip Van Winkle and Ethan Frome; but in real life such spouses can pose an insurmountable problem for committed Christian men. Some points to remember:

1. Abuse can be perpetrated by persons of either gender.

2. It is an effort to exercise power and control over another person, whether by physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, financial or spiritual means.

3. No one deserves to be abused. All forms of abuse are wrong and are strongly condemned in scripture.

4. It is important to recognize that persistent demeaning, embarrassing, insulting, taunting, humiliating, withholding of sex, or refusing to speak are in point of fact abuse. Often the victim thinks only that there is unhappiness in the marriage. Things can move in a better direction only when there is a recognition that abuse is present.

5. A basic first step is for abused persons to stop believing the lies that have been told about them. They are made in the image of God and are persons of worth and dignity. The negative things spoken by the abuser do not represent a truthful picture of the individual, but rather are hurtful instruments to bring another person under control.

6. The scriptures can help a person to understand that they are not the wretches being portrayed by the abuser. King David was often vilified by his detractors, but he was able to affirm his basic integrity. (Check out Psalm 26:1.11; 41:12; 101:2)

7. Another basic step lies in finding another Christian to whom one can disclose the situation. Often it takes great courage to reveal that a man has been reduced to such a humiliating status.

8. A man may be fearful of taking any steps to remedy the situation for fear of losing his reputation, job, ministry, respect of friends or witness in the church. Like other victims, he may find that few are willing to believe him and that he may be reprimanded rather than helped. Nevertheless there are some Christians who will understand and can offer assistance and support.

9. Community resources frequently offer counseling for victims of domestic abuse, whether male or female. An important and appropriate avenue for assistance can be using a seasoned counselor with experience in cases of this sort. Remember that the problem has long been recognized and addressed in general society — the church is just having a hard time catching up.

10. Couples’ counseling is not a good option when abuse is involved. Often it has been found to make matters even worse. Frequently the best therapy is in an abusers’ intervention group that meets weekly for an extended period of time.

11. Remember that perpetrating the abuse is the abusers’ problem, and it is their responsibility to change their conduct. There may well be features of the victim’s behavior that also need work, but the fundamental responsibility for stopping the abuse lies with the offender.

12. Prayer works wonders! A small prayer and support group can be wonderfully helpful in seeking to bring healing to a troubled situation.

13. Don’t forget the healing power of worship!