“I am with you always…” (Matt. 28:20)

      Life can be tough, unbearable, and we find ourselves in situations we never thought would be ours.  I’m writing especially of the incredible misery and pain of people doing their best to survive abuse inflicted by a spouse, parent, child, other family member, a friend, or stranger.  Many of us weep for you and your families, but no one who has been spared this incredible agony can fully understand your despair. I can’t, but I can share what I’ve learned about Jesus who promised never to leave us.  Although my challenges are different, I pray that you can wrap my experience of God’s love and faithfulness around your fears, losses, pain, and questions. 

      My challenges include my husband’s classic midlife crisis, which ended our 27-year marriage, open heart surgery to correct congenital defects, and a stroke—but it didn’t end there. Two years after the stroke, while speaking with a friend, I suddenly felt for a few seconds as if I “wasn’t there.” Startled, I thought, what was that? Two weeks earlier I had experienced blurred vision, also lasting only a few seconds, but I knew both symptoms could indicate further blood clots. When our conversation ended, I contacted my doctor who examined me and ordered repeat MRIs of my brain and brainstem to rule out further stroke damage. After that, I would see a cardiologist in Boston to determine whether my symptoms were due to changes in my mitral heart valve. My doctor said this was a strong possibility and, if so, more heart surgery would be necessary to replace the valve. Driving back to my church office with this possibility weighing heavily on me, I tried to remain calm, but my emotions somersaulted. “Why, God?  And what about ‘wHispers’—the ministry you gave me!”

      It was late afternoon when I returned to work, but unable to concentrate I went to nearby Breakwater Beach, which was deserted except for a few seagulls. It was low tide, and walking out on the ocean’s bottom for almost an hour, I sidestepped tidal pools and the occasional scurrying hermit crabs. I just walked and tried not to think, but when I returned to shore, I let God have it!

      Sitting in the sand, I complained, wept, and told God how disappointed I was—not so much afraid but not ready to face yet another medical challenge. And as if God didn’t hear me the first time, I cried out again, “Why, God?  I’ve worked so hard on this ministry and I finally have everyone in place—even a starting date! Why would you permit something to interfere? Father, you’ve given me a passion to help women who are in the place I used to be. I want them to know you—your love, grace, mercy, faithfulness....” My tears and questions continued until finally I was exhausted and still. It was then God whispered again, and this was one of his sweetest:  I still walk on water.  Instinctively, I looked out at the bay as if I might see Jesus. I didn’t, but he continued to whisper, Shirley, whatever waters come your way, I’ll be walking on them with you. Of course, I did what I do best when God reveals himself in such a unique manner: I wept with tears of joy!

      Then I sat in silence, hardly believing what had just happened. Jesus had shown me in a very intimate way how much he loves me and cares about every detail of my life. My situation hadn’t changed, but the frustration was gone. With all of my heart, I knew Jesus was walking with me; and no matter how rough the waters became, he wouldn’t let me sink in self-despair. He was my lifeline! A quote from Donna Wallis describes my experience with Jesus at Breakwater Beach: “Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he lets the storm rage and He calms His child.” I was reluctant to leave, but also eager to reread Matthew 14:28–33:

“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind ceased.  And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” 

I’ve learned at a deeper level that storms in my life can’t overwhelm me—unless I take my eyes from Jesus. When I focus on him, the waves are calmed by the peace I have in the Lord.

      By medical definition, God may not have formed my heart perfectly, but I know the meaning of joy because of a defective heart! I believe that God, who makes no mistakes, made my heart according to his perfect plans for my life. Romans 8:28 says, “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

      We may cry, Jesus, where are you?  But if we pay close attention and ask our heart questions with sincerity, we won’t miss God’s answers—even his most quiet whispers. Sometimes his answers are immediate and clear, but they often demand the quiet attention of a child focused on the Father.

      What do I mean by hearing God?  Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God!” As I spent time with God, reading his Word and being still before him, I came to the place where I could hear his whispers. Some have questioned my certainty about God speaking to me, but as I’ve heard others say, “I just know it in my knower!” I know God’s Spirit is whispering when suddenly my confusion is replaced with clarity, unrest is transformed into an indescribable peace, I feel compelled to do something I’ve never done before and feel incapable of doing, or when a new thought comes unexpectedly and uninvited—something I know is not mine! Often in quietness, words of instruction or direction are formed in my mind. 

      Reader, as I type these words, I’m praying for God to reveal himself to you in very special ways.  May you also know his indescribable peace. May you also hear his precious whispers. Our amazing God has answers for every situation; sometimes immediate blessings; sometimes we wait for clarity and direction, but we never pass that time alone. When our lives spin out of our control, we can claim God’s promises. Some of my favorites from Isaiah are powerful and reassuring:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine, When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” (Isa. 43:1b–3a)

      God is with us! He’s never left and never will, but we must walk close enough to the Lord to hear even his most quiet whispers. May our questions about where God is in our confusion and pain be transformed into joy-filled statements of gratitude and a real sense of his indescribable peace as we trust him for each day—no matter what!